Determined

Our little Daniel is a little more than 4 weeks old now. Where has the time gone? It's amazing how much he's grown in this time. He started off at a delicate 6 lbs 10.5 oz. and now he's a thriving 9 lbs 8 oz. His jaundice is gone. There was a brief stint of newborn acne which also came and went. Now he's built up an adorable layer of baby fat on his little body.

We as his parents have gone through our own set of changes. We have enough bags to fly around the world...twice. I went from being petrified of handling babies to becoming a baby-holding pro. Free time that used to be spent shooting baddies online has been replaced with changing diapers. Tary has always been good with children but it's a joy seeing it in practice.

I know everyone always talks about how tiring the first few months are with a newborn but you definitely don't know the feeling until you're up at 12:30 AM, 2 AM, 4 AM, 6:30 AM and then try to go to work the next day. We're tired but we love every minute with Daniel...okay, maybe we can do without the 4 AM feedings. ;)

But despite all of the early morning feedings and diaper changes, the most exhausting thing that we've had to deal with so far has been our family. Don't get me wrong; we love our family. They mean well but sometimes the "old school" ways of parenting just don't work here in America.

During labor, we chose to only inform our parents when it started but did not provide any additional updates until right after Daniel was born. I gave specific instructions that no one was allowed in with us other than the birthing staff. Knowing how Asian parents are, they would have come straight into the room with no respect for privacy. As much as we would have loved to share this experience with them, the idea of having 4 extra support people in the room was just too overwhelming.

The whole "lack of privacy" issue came up again the next day when everyone came to visit. Daniel was being passed around by the adults and he started to whimper to let us know that he was getting hungry. I let the people in the room know that it was getting close to Daniel's feeding time. Some of the ladies commented on how cute he looked as he was searching for food. Again, I reminded our visitors that it was almost time to feed Daniel. More time passed and again, they didn't get the hint. I had to lay the "Daddy-hand" down and basically tell everyone they had to leave (or at least wait in the family room nearby). *Sigh* Asian adults just don't understand that breastfeeding is an intimate, personal, and private thing and that they don't need to be there for it.

On top of the "not-respecting-our-privacy" thing, our parents and aunts were not shy about giving us plenty of advice, almost all of it was either outdated or just flat-out contradicted what the nurses have taught us. First, Tary was told not to eat beef, or sour food, or spicy food, or drink cold liquids. Btw, I'd starve to death if I had that kind of eating restriction put on me.

Then we were told to wash the baby at least 3 to 4 times a day. Of course the instructional video we watched said that every other day was sufficient. Next we were told to wash Daniel's umbilical cord frequently with alcohol but that also conflicted with current recommendations. On a side note, we followed the video's recommendation of only air-drying the umbilical cord stump and it fell off on its own on the 5th day. Then we were told to place him on his belly to sleep. Then a relative thought Daniel was cold so she placed several blankets over him, some covering his face. Tary promptly reached over and removed the blankets. Wow, how did we ever manage to reach adulthood? Lastly, we were chided for not having Daniel circumcised which we felt was unnecessary.

Fast forward a few days and Tary and I had just come home from the hospital and were completely exhausted. My parents, being that they live only a few minutes away, decided to come over unannounced. What would normally be helpful ended up stressing us out even more. The endless supply of advice continued. My mom freaked out when Tary was trying to wash the dishes. She didn't like the fact that Tary was touching cold water. She also freaked out when she saw Tary traversing the staircase. I asked my mom what new mothers did back in Vietnam. She replied that they were supposed to lie down for a month. I told her that Tary's already gotten a clean bill of health from the doctors and those mothers in Vietnam probably weren't allowed to touch water because of the lack of clean water there.

A week had passed and I returned back to work. While at work one day, I got a text from Tary saying that my parents had come over unannounced again for the third time that week. We were getting very stressed out by the situation so I had to say something. I asked Tary to pass her phone over to my mom so that I could speak with her. I tried explaining that we did not like it when they just randomly stopped by because it was really hard for us to take care of Daniel and get our things done. I asked her to call us first before stopping by. She got really upset and left before I got a chance to make it home from work. Man...

The next few weeks were awkward. Tary and I normally would have lunch at my parents' house after church each week. When the church service was over, we drove over to their house but no one was home. I called my brother to see if he was coming. He told me that mom made plans for that day. Too bad she didn't tell me that. The following Sunday, my mom made us lunch but she seemed distant. This past Sunday was similar. I couldn't deal with my mom being upset any longer so I sat down and talked to her. She instantly let out her emotions and was hurt that I would make my own family have to call ahead before visiting. I tried explaining that it wasn't just my parents that I don't want to come over unannounced. I told both sides of the family that. I then explained that we love having them be a part of Daniel's and our lives but they also had to understand that Tary and I are Americans and that Daniel was one too. The old Asian way of doing things are not always what are best for us. I also went on to say that we were tired of the constant advice because most of it was just wrong. I told her that many babies died when left on their stomachs. I hope my point was received but we're still praying that my parents would understand our feelings.

One of my best friends wrote on his blog about how happy he was for us and for Daniel. He also wrote about wanting Daniel to inherit my will to succeed in everything and Tary's kindness and gentleness. What's kind of funny though was that he also wanted Tary to help raise Daniel to not have my stubbornness. I admit that I can be pretty stubborn at times but I think a more fitting adjective is "determined".

I am determined to raise Daniel the best way I know how. I am determined to use common sense and let God be our moral compass. I am determined to not compromise on our beliefs to please the world or even family members if it conflicts with the Truth. I am determined to not repeat the same mistakes that many Asian parents make when raising their children.

One really annoying thing that Asian parents do is make fun of their kids in public. When Asian parents get together, they usually trade stories of embarrassing things about their kids, often with them nearby. These stories would draw laughter from the other adults but at the expense of their kid's self-esteem.

Another thing that Asian parents do is to over-exaggerate the accomplishments of other kids. They would say things like "Why aren't you like so-and-so's kid? He is in school for two majors and has a full-time job!" Of course, many of these accomplishments were just physically impossible to achieve. I suppose that Asian parents do this because they hope that you would aspire to match these accomplishments. Instead, I think it makes many Asian kids feel inadequate and never good enough in their parents' eyes.

So I am determined to not put down my child in front of others but to uplift him. I am determined to not use my son as a punch line. I am determined to not compare my son to some fictional and unattainable standard. I love our parents. I love them for their countless sacrifices so that we may have a better future in America. I may not always agree with their advice or methods, but I understand that they only want the best for us. So I am determined to be more patient and understanding, to discern what is good from our cultures and traditions, and to apply these lessons learned to be the best father that I can be. I promise you that, Daniel.