So Who Should We Root For Now?

So my favorite sports team has been robbed eliminated from the playoffs. If you're like me, as a fan of football, you'd still continue following the rest of the NFL playoffs. But who should we root for now? A better question would be, "Who should we root against?"

To help determine this, let me first introduce a new term...

sports hate (verb): To strongly dislike/hate an opposing player and/or team. This hatred is intense but just shy of actually wishing harm on said player and/or team.

Example:
I sports hate that goober-face, Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts.

So with that out of the way, there are rules that must be followed when rooting for or against a sports team. You wouldn't want to root for the wrong team and get labeled a sports n00b.

Rule 1. Thou shalt always root for thy home team.

You always have to cheer on your home team (e.g., Patriots, Celtics, Red Sox), no matter what. Even if they stink and are the worst team in the league, you still root for them. Even if you don't follow that sport (e.g., hockey, soccer, etc) and you're only watching the game because there is nothing else on TV, you still cheer on your home team.

a. Thou shalt gloat when thy home team wins.

When your home team wins, you must gloat to any fans of the opposing team and remind them of how awesome your team is and how inferior their team is.

How you like them apples, Washington?! 52-7!

b. Thou shalt blindly defend thy home team's shortcomings.

If one of the players or coaches on the home team does something wrong, you must passionately defend the person for the said offense. Here are some examples:

Example 1:

Guy: What the heck was Bill Belichick thinking going for it on 4th-and-2?!
You: Are you some sort of sports n00b? The refs messed up the spot of the ball which was clearly beyond the 1st down marker. If the call on the field was correct, the offense would have retained the ball and run out the clock.

Example 2:

Guy: I told you Ramirez and Ortiz were using steroids! The Boston Red Sox are a bunch of cheaters! They should give back their World Series rings!
You: They only had to use steroids because your boys from the Yankees were all juicing. It was the only way to try to level the playing field. Look at Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi, and A. Rod!

c. Thou shalt not give thy opposition any credit for beating thy home team.

You can never say that another team beat your home team. Instead, you must use any excuse (real or imagined) to explain why your home team lost. A few examples include: the refs blew a bunch of calls, the condition of the field was horrible, or the alignment of the stars.

Rule 2. Thou shalt always root against thy division rival's team.

a. Thou shalt always root against the cities of thy division rival's team.

The division rivals are always a pain. Your home team has to play against them more frequently than other teams each season and this familiarity yields very tough games. Therefore, you are obligated to sports hate them. For football, the means you always root against the NY Jets (and by extension, the NY Giants). For baseball, you always root against the NY Yankees. The Tampa Bay Rays also fall under this rule. For basketball, this would include the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Philadelphia 76ers.

Rule 3. Thou shalt always root against teams which art the royal pain-eth in the butt-eth.

You must sports hate the teams that are always perennial championship contenders and always seem to stand in the way of your home team winning it all. In football, this includes the Indianapolis Colts, the Denver Broncos, San Diego Chargers, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. If you had to pick some for baseball, this would include the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Cleveland Indians. For basketball, this list would be headlined by the Los Angeles Lakers. Cleveland Cavaliers, Orlando Magic, and the Atlanta Hawks are next in line.

Rule 4. Thou shalt always root against the team with a player, coach, owner, etc that you sports hate.

a. Thou shalt sports hate anyone who art a royal jerk.
Kobe Bryant; Lamar Odom; and Ron Artest (Los Angeles Lakers), Philip Rivers; LaDainian Tomlinson; and Shawn Merriman (San Diego Chargers), LeBron James and Anderson Varejao (Cleveland Cavaliers), Al Horford (Atlanta Hawks), Alex Rodriguez (NY Yankees), Rex "Cryin'" Ryan (New York Jets), Ray Lewis (Baltimore Ravens)

b. Thou shalt sports hate anyone who hath the face of a goober.
The Manning brothers, Peyton and Eli.

c. Thou shalt sports hate anyone who hath the face of a llama.
Pau Gasol.

d. Thou shalt sports hate anyone who art a drama queen.
Brett Favre.

Rule 5. If thou hast sports hate for both teams, thou shalt root against the team which hast people that thou sports hate more.

If your home team is not playing in a game that you are watching, then you must consider this rule when deciding which team to root for and which team to root against. You must always root against the team with the person that you sports hate the most. In this case, it's not about the number of players that you sports hate on each team.

Whew...so who do we cheer for to win the Super Bowl? Let's apply what we've learned. The remaining teams on the AFC by seed are the Indianapolis Colts, the San Diego Chargers, New York Jets, and Baltimore Ravens.

Well, we obviously root against the Jets (Rule 2). You then root against the Ravens because they eliminated the Pats (Rule 1c). You have to sports hate the Colts because of Rules 3 and 4b. San Diego also has Rivers, LT, and Merriman so they're out because of Rules 3 and 4a. So that basically eliminates cheering for anyone in the AFC.

Argh, but someone has to make it to the Super Bowl from the AFC. Rule 5 has to apply here. The Jets are an obvious no-no as they are a division rival. You can't cheer for the Colts to win it (again) even though Peyton Manning is having a great year (excuse me as I think I just threw up a bit there). San Diego has too many players that I sports hate so that automatically disqualifies them. I'm going to have to pick the Ravens only because no one would really care if they got that far.

Onto the NFC. The remaining teams are the New Orleans Saints, the Minnesota Vikings, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Arizona Cardinals. You have to sports hate the Saints for Rule 4a with players like Reggie Bush and Jeremy Shockey. The Vikings are out because of Rule 4d alone. That leaves supporting either Dallas or Arizona. Neither team really has people to sports hate except for maybe Tony Romo, Roy Williams, and their coach Wade Phillips. Kurt Warner is really likable so it's difficult to sports hate the Arizona Cardinals.

My Super Bowl teams are the Baltimore Ravens vs. the Arizona Cardinals. Based on Rule 1c, however, I'm rooting for the Cardinals to go all the way...in an ugly game. Final score: 2 to 0.